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Humorous

 

 

 News

 

 

 Affecting

 

 

 Obama

 

 

 Polls

 

 

and

 

 

Ratings

 

 

 

News affecting Obama polls and ratings are as vague and humorous as the details on the planned USS Barack Obama and the story of the usurper's past—but never mind, Barry Soetoro knows how to squander billions and bailout his banker friends.
 

 

 

Obama's bailout program reminds of a recent story:

 

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Putnam County News Newspaper in Eatonton, GA. and bought a mule for $100.

 

 

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”

 

Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

 

The farmer said, “Can't do that. I went and spent it already.”

 

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

 

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?”

 

Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

 

The farmer said, “You can't raffle off a dead mule!”

 

Leroy said, “We shore can!  Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!”

 

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly  grocery store and asked . . . “What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

 

They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”

 

Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.”

 

The farmer said, “My Lord, didn't anyone complain?”

 

Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset.  So we gave him his two dollars back.”

 

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.


 

 

 

They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

 


 

Ah . . Sorry to bother you Mr. Obama, Sir. .

 

 

Excuse me Mr. Obama, I mean President Obama, Sir. Um . . I know you're busy, and important and stuff.  I mean running the country is very important and—ah—I hate to bother you Sir. I will only take a minute.  Ok Sir?

 

See, I have these missing pieces that are holding me up, and I was wondering Sir, if you could take time out of your busy schedule and help me out.  You know, no big deal, just some loose ends and things.

 

 

Hey, you have a nice place here!  The wife sees houses like this on TV all the time and says boy she wishes she had digs like this you know?

 

 

Is that painting real?  Really?  Wow.  I saw something like that in a museum once!

 

 

Oh, sorry Sir. I didn't mean to get off the track.  So if you could just help me out a minute and give me some details, I will get right out of your way.  I want to close this case and maybe take the wife to Coney Island or something.  Ever been to Coney Island Sir?  No?  I didn't think so...

 

Well, listen, anyway, I can't seem to get some information I need to wrap this up.  These things seem to either be "Not released" or "Not available."  I'm sure it's just an oversight or glitch or something, so if you could you tell me where these things are—I—I have them written down here somewhere—oh wait.  Sorry about the smears.  It was raining out.  I'll just read it to you.

Could you please help me find these things Sir?

 

1. Occidental College records—Not released

 

2. Columbia College records—Not released

 

3. Columbia Thesis paper—Not available

 

 

4. Harvard College records—Not released

 

 

5. Selective Service Registration—Not released

 

6. Medical records—Not released

 

7. Illinois State Senate schedule—Not available

 

8. Your Illinois State Senate records—Not available

 

9. Law practice client list—Not released

 

 

10. Certified Copy of original Birth certificate—Not released

 

 

11. Embossed, signed paper Certification of Live Birth—Not released

 

 

12. Record of your baptism—Not available

 

Oh and one more thing Mr. President, I can't seem to find any articles you published as editor of the Harvard Law Review, or as a Professor at the University of Chicago.  Can you explain that to me Sir?

 

Oh but, hey—listen!  I know you're busy!  If this is too much for you right now—I mean—tell you what.  I'll come back tomorrow.

 

Give you some time to get these things together, You know?  I mean, I know you're busy.  I'll just let myself out.  I'll be back tomorrow.

 

And the day after. . .What's that Mr. President?  Who wants to know these things?

 

 

We the People of the United States of America!

 

 

 


 

 

 

The Emperor has no clothes!
 
Emperor Obama, who cared for nothing but his wardrobe, hired two weavers (Pelosi & Reid) who promised him the finest suit of clothes from a fabric invisible to anyone who is unfit for his position or “just hopelessly stupid.” The Emperor could not see the cloth himself, but pretended that he could for fear of appearing unfit for his position or stupid; his ministers (White House Cabinet) did the same. When the swindlers reported that the suit was finished, they dressed him in mime and Emperor Obama then marched in procession before his American subjects. A child in the crowd called out that the Emperor is wearing nothing at all and the cry was taken up by others (the awoken voters). The Emperor cringed, suspecting the assertion was true, but held himself up proudly and continued the procession until they day the people threw him into the Nut House.

 

 


 

FIRST  BOOK  OF  GOVERNMENT

 

 

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.

 

 

He leadeth me beside the still factories.

 

He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.

 

 

He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.

 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,

 

 

 

I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.

 

 

He has anointed my income with taxes,

 

My expenses runneth over.

 

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,

 

And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.

 

I am glad I am American,

 

I am glad that I am free.

  

But I wish I was a dog,

 

 

And Obama was a tree. 

 

 


 

 

 

 

The following is a conversation reported to have taken place between a law enforcement officer and a farmer after a report that Air Force One had crashed in the middle of rural America.  Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended in force on a nearby farm, the reported crash scene.

 

When they got there, the disaster was clear.  The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.  The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the President.

 

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened.  They hurried over to the man's tractor.  “Hank,” the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.  “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”

 

“Yep. Sure did.”  The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.  “Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"  “Yep.”

 

“Were there any survivors?”  “Nope.  They's all kilt straight out” the farmer answered.

 

“I done buried them all myself.  Took me most of the morning..”  “President Obama is dead?” the sheriff shouted.

 

 

 

Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

 

“He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

A doctor from Israel says: “In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks  he is looking for work.”

 

The German doctor comments: “That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”

 

A Russian doctor says: “That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”

 

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: “That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us in the USA (about 2 years ago) we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now........ the whole f-ing country is looking for work!!!!!!”

 


 

 

When hundreds of tea-party protesters—including many elderly women—gathered outside a civic center where Barack Hussein Obama was giving a public speech recently, they were surprised to be greeted by police dispatched in full riot gear. 

 


 

 


 

 


 

 

After one of Obama’s recent bowing sessions, he fell on over as if dead—and was rushed to the hospital where the emergency room physician was asked to comment on the difficulty of his exploratory surgery.  He casually replied, “Obama was easy to operate on.  He has no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, his head and the ass are interchangeable!”

 

 


 

 

 

 

Newsweek's May 11, 2012 cover story.

 

 

 

 

 


 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.  She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

 

 

She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

 

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

 

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

 

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

 

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are—or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow in your mind you now think it's my fault."

 

 

 Priceless!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If this page didn’t make you laugh, it may be because

 

 

 

 

 

Check back periodically for some more humorous news affecting Obama's approval polls and declining ratings.

 

 

 

 












 

 

 This page was last modified on Wednesday, December 14, 2016